Holidays. But lessons still ongoing. Make sense? Nevermind, graduating. Lol. After lessons, went to have NE quiz, then to CO. Saw some people.. As usual, he avoided us. Another one. He never even say hi. Lol, maybe i just cant get along properly with guys huh.
Went pizza hut w/ jialing,cam,xw,jc,and jieling. Retold my story. Took a long time to say everything out again. Its like cutting a wound that hasnt fully healed yet. But when i am telling my 'story', i smiled. Nobody noticed, maybe my acting skills improved. This mask, when can i take it off. After this particular incident, is even harder for me to do it now. When can i stop reaching home and crying silently? To serve it as a warning to others, i needa reopen my wound? I really found it hard to say what he did to me. It isnt glorious. You know it, and yet you refuse to help me say even though you knew what to say. And well yes, the victim is me and i should be saying it. But cant you help me? Forget bout that. Forget it-.-
I tried to think of the things i 'narrate' through again tdy. I thought back of the times. and i realise, i cant differentiate properly whats truth, whats lie now. Those were such happy times, when you were there for me. But are that part of your plans too? They ask, why didnt i slap you after that. I dont know how to answer that actually. What was i thinking back then. I really dont know. Its a part of my memory, i wished to be washed away like how tornados blew away buildings, tsunamis washing away the whole estate. But after that. Will there be any after effects? I am scared. Yes. I am.
I thought i was able to push this matter away, to somewhere deep in my heart, and that i will never think about it again. But i was wrong. And so coincidentally, all of you helped to reopen my wound again. You ask me, are you traumatised? Will my answer be no? I feel so disgusted at myself that when i was talking to you all bout the matter, i felt that it was so difficult swallowing the soup cause i was using my MOUTH and my TONGUE!!! And you ask me am i traumatised?!
Why am i crying once again. I loathe you, for ruining my life. For making me stuck with this mask, glue onto my face! For making me unable to be myself! For making me having to smile even though
i feel like crying so much! I've had enough. Im so gonna to work hard, get into a good jc. And out of this school i will go. I wanna leave this place as much as i wish to stay. This is where i started being foolish and everything. And thus, i want it to end here too. How i wish all those things were true. But it doesnt matter anymore already, right?
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